Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
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i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”