Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.

If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.

Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.

After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.

Oh wait I made them too.

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!

[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.

Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.

(later, shaving)

Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!

*Watching Friday the 13th VII*

GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?

Me: Yeah.

GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”

-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.

You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*

me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.

doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet

A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.

guy at the gym: hey can you spot me

me: ya you’re not even hiding

It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”