MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
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“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.