Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.

If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

😞

Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

Me: Can I use it for my socials?

Mugshot Photographer: No.

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.

[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die

do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”

definitely did not do anything wrong

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…

MOM: Story time

ME: Yay!

MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”

ME: mom?

Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people

Me: correcting people, actually

I: no it’s-

Me: i know what it says

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.

Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

*calls bullshit

Bullshit: Who gave you my number.

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”

Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”

Darth Vader: >:(