Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?

Wife: Right here!

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?

Me: Yes

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”

You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.

Him: What happens if they get overheated?

Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-

Him: *whispers* hot mess.

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???

Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g

one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.

give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

Me: Yay! No more periods!

Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.

I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”

*Infinite space outside*

A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!