Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.

Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.

During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea

[BOOPS nose]

COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?

Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*

Hey baby, what’s your name?

“Robert”

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

How about I get 100% off by already being there

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*

What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.

Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…

incredible google review i just found

[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting

if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too