Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.

Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

[zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead

We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10

Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.

Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes

*reading a children’s book*

That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer

before you call me an idiot consider this: i know

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.

Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]

look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on

I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately