Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
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Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.