Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
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How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it