Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
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Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.