Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap

I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

i spent way too long on this

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms

[Life after lockdown]

My Hairstylist: WTF

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.

Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here

My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together

imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison

I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.

When you didn’t plan your story very well.

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.

Dr: You’ve gained some weight

Me: You said I should take it easy

Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick

Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER

How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”