Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a server]

guy: “can i order something off-menu?”

me: “well, that is how menus work sir”

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.

I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world

Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.

3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!

Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.

3 y/o: what?

Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed

My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb

Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?

I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

I love twitter

Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?

Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.

I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.