Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…

It’s called Wordle”

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

judas: hey man want to come out to last supper

jesus: what?

judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*

Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car

Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen

Twitter is like:

funny joke

funny joke

funny joke

HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE

funny joke

funny joke

angry guy who didn’t get the joke

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?

Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4

3 year old: Lion Gaurd!

5 year old: 5!

So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.

My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there

Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack

‘To do’ list:

1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry

I have no words

~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear

why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha

Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass