MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
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I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Cinema or bowling
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
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