MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff