MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
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Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
These are too funny not to post 😂
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”