Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!

Me: It’s Tuesday.

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain

If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.

humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test

and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”

2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again

Me: what the hell…I already did this hour

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

“I swear to God I will turn this car around”

I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.

“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out

I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

*third date, back at my place*

me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!