mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
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Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!