Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
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Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.