Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.

This dudes dogs 😁battle cry

1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later

2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants

*swipes right by accident*

Him: You’re not really my type.

Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.

Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?

Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”

Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?

What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?

In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.

[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.

“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured

Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.

One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.

Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week

when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.

“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.

I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.

There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….

now tell me, Are you one of Them?