Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”

Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

superman: nice car does it have gps

batman: no

superman: then how do you know where you’re going

batman: *starts screaming*

[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans

Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”

“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”

Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.

*lint rolls you awake*

Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?

I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.

Boy…💀💀💀💀

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?