Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
You Might Also Like
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
October 31
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Science memes
