Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
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Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*