Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.

Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.

Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.

Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”

“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”

At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”

I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.

Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot

God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol

Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS

Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.

Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?

The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you

If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done