Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort

Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]

I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.

NEIGHBOR: What’s up?

ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month

NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?

ME: The what now?

The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.

Ma’am…

(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

servant: what size should I make the bed?

king: like this *spreads arms*

If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”

BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM

“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.

You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.

WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”

*puts bike helmet on 4*

my brain: now knock on it a coupla times

me: why?

brain: you just gotta

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.

Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.