Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.

Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.

I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor

Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”

Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]

[.0003 seconds later]

This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done

Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”

A choir of Spring onions

Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!

Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face

Prince Charming:

Friend:

Prince Charming: she left her shoe

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.