Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.

What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.

GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired

*Takes drive down memory lane

*Gets a DUI

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.

I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this

Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]

Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.

And Monopoly was born.

If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am

[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.

What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise

We get it, Aaron. You like vowels

lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you

granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet