mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
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Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
At least try to make it slightly believable
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.