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@snarkymomtobe

My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old

@andreeahluscu

All I’m saying is that if M&M’s poured out of a person after you stabbed them, I’d probably lose my moral compass very quickly.

@david8hughes

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”

@AdamSerwer

In Trump’s America, undocumented workers get rounded up. Employers who hire undocumented workers get cabinet nominations.

@Alpot86

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

@Where__wolf

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

@MaybePileJokes

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.