My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
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i would lose weight but i hate losing
All I’m saying is that if M&M’s poured out of a person after you stabbed them, I’d probably lose my moral compass very quickly.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
[cops knock on my door]
“Who said that then?”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
In Trump’s America, undocumented workers get rounded up. Employers who hire undocumented workers get cabinet nominations.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.