You Might Also Like


My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old


All I’m saying is that if M&M’s poured out of a person after you stabbed them, I’d probably lose my moral compass very quickly.


[cops knock on my door]
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”


In Trump’s America, undocumented workers get rounded up. Employers who hire undocumented workers get cabinet nominations.


I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1


You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*


friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.