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If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.


What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.


Dear McDonald’s, Thank you for not selling hot dogs. I don’t think I could order a McWiener with a straight face.


A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.


“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary


(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight


GOD: hey can I have one of your ribs
Adam: what for
GOD: uhh science project
Adam: you hate science
GOD: look do u wanna get laid or not


WIFE: Carol’s hubby gives her flowers EVERY day. I’d LOVE u to do that
ME: Ok

[next day]
ME [giving Carol flowers] No I don’t get it either