Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
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I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
When ur friends with white people
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.