Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

got my mind on my money and my money

is nowhere to be found.

in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents

*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore

*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*

doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived

@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?

Sit. Down.

Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.

Best seat on the street 😍

When I grow up, I want to be 16

sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.

It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.

Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂

Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.

THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.

Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No

sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go

OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.

*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.