Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
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Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Ah..makes sense now
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My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”