Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
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[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Dammit Chief not again
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*