Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.

Me: No, cakes are expensive.

Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit

My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.

“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”

why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”

I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.

*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

ME: *stands by the window*

ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

[on a date]

him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.

me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

M: what’s this about, 007?

James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am

M: are you sure?

JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him

M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?

pigeon: coo

M: my god man, you’re right!

I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.