Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
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The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.