Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.

no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

[first cat being domesticated]

What’s that thing your petting?

“It’s called a cat”

Do they bite?

“Oh ya LOL all the time!”

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.

interviewer: any interests outside of work

me: war and space documentaries

mom: he means star wars

me: mom stay in the car

mom: nerd

Hotel garbage cans are way too small.

How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!

“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”

~my mother after a few drinks

Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving

As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭

Me: Please take my kids for a little bit

School: lol snow

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

Me: I want Botox.

Husband: What for? Your forehead?

Me:

H:

Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?

My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails