Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*

Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.

I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)

So after 75 long days, this week is finally over

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.

Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”

Holy moly

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

be myself? the person who got me into this mess????

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them

I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.

My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.

Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.

I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…

When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.