[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
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Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
This sounds bad:
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
wtf is a larm clock?
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out