Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
(Every historical tour)
Them: this site is amazing, look at the architecture
Me: Oh wow very cool
Them: Anyway so the atrocities committed on this site include genoci…
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
