Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
![]()
You Might Also Like
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
i really liked this one
![]()
![]()
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
I’m already scared
![]()
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”![]()
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
This meal prepping shit easy
![]()
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?