Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
I saw nothing
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
A great first step 😂
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
