Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
You Might Also Like
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Always leave the cult better than you found it.