Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.

It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.

You win again, life.

I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.

– me flirting

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.

[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.

The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already

Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-

Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

Need WebMD

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”

Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.

My nice little date:

Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.

Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?

ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful

HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was

ME: ok now i’m bummed again

HER: so like, what are you into?

ME: coincidences

HER: no way, me too!

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.

I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.

353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch