Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.

10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”

Anyways it was Eminem.

My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.

inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause

I’ve named my couch American Idle.

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit

2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!

4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!

Me: Haha, they’re so cute.

8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!

Me: NO.

I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.

An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.

Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month

Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift

[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk

PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them

genie: what’s your 3rd wish

me: i wish u had amnesia

genie: what’s your 1st wish

Trying to keep the riff raff away.