Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
You Might Also Like
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation