“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
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noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
That was easy.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.