“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Am getting real tired of your crap…
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Guantanamo Bae
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
