“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Danger is very dangerous
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
This came to me in a dream.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
