Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.

— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere

[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?

[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.

can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time

Magic words that make my children disappear:

3) Bath time

2) Who did this?!

1) When I was your age…

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”

No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.

Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy

farmer: hay

horse: I have a boyfriend

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

[DATE NIGHT]

Me: You and me baby

Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?

Me: so let’s do it….?

Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!

Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*

ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out

[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave

I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.

One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.

[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]

TSA agent: Good evening sir

Me: Nothing

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad