“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

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9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*


Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.


Shout out to the creepy guy sitting in your bedroom chair who turns into clothes as soon as you turn on the lights.


Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”


keanu reeves calling carly rae jepsen the most talented musician he’s listened to in his lifetime is a huge complement when you remember that he’s been alive for several thousand years


If you tell me you’re a fan of One Direction, please clarify if you’re referring to the boy band or Kim/Kanye’s baby.


[airport security]
Ma’am, step through again
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal


Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.