@JennyPentland

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

You Might Also Like

@NotthatAdamWest

The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game; I’ll play mine.

@OtherDanOBrien

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

@jonnysun

normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”

big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”

exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”

galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis

@Brampersandon_

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

@WorIdComedy

mom: why is there a Hispanic man climbing our balcony

me: he is my romeo & I am his Juliet

mom: (._. )

me: I’m just kidding call the cops

@Izianikapani

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]

@Playing_Dad

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

@daemonic3

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

@Soren_Ltd

“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”

“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”