“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
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Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
#CatsOnTwitter
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.