Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cannot stop laughing at this

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.

Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.

#parenting

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”

6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!

why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.

you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”

Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water