Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]

guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you

4 dentists: [in agreement] no

LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*

I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

COME TO ME JOURNALBOT

*Journalbot enters my study*

ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”

[very sad robot noises]

Boss: Are you going to do any work today?

Me: Has it been optional this whole time?

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

Ad placement of the day

#ooh

My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.

my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)

priest: you may now kiss the pride

me: excuse me?

priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*

I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.

App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?

Me: Yes.

App: That would be nice, right? lol.

Me: what…

App: Sign in again.

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.

how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.

lumberjacks will cut a birch

Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit

If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!

My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.