Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
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[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.