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I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
constantly working on myself.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.