“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
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wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
🖤✌🏽
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Any refunds available?…
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.