@HeyJennyLeone

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids

You Might Also Like

@murrman5

“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?

@thezachmaginnis

My sister told me to “take the spider out” instead of “kill” it. So we went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

@mydmac

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

@underchilde

As a father, I would refuse to give my daughter away at her wedding on the grounds that I would have to be there.

@leshnevsky

Today’s 3-year-olds can unlock the smartphone and launch favorite app or music player.
What did I do in my 3-year-old? I ate sand.

@Lisa_Laughs_

fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!

@LeslieInMpls

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.

@okimstillhungry

*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO

@leannuh

Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

@putyoursisterd1

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.