“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
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My sister told me to “take the spider out” instead of “kill” it. So we went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
As a father, I would refuse to give my daughter away at her wedding on the grounds that I would have to be there.
Today’s 3-year-olds can unlock the smartphone and launch favorite app or music player.
What did I do in my 3-year-old? I ate sand.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.