“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
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I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
“FOUND ‘EM!”
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
LA today:
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science