“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
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It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
When your man makes a valid point
I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?