Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so

It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too

dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything

A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job

I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way

HER: so I hear you’re a runner

ME: yes

OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know

“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”

– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave

A friend sent me this.

My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.

I’m making him my new nutritionist.

dog owners: their name is buddy

cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: ok

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”

Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.

In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.

Make it RAAAAIN!!

ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.

“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them

*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*

Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.

Me: Nachos.

Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.

Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?

[talking to son on the phone]

“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”

I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.