Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”

DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”

No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens

Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that

When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?

My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too

The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.

Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

frog: kiss me, I’m a prince

her: ew gross

frog: you have a problem with frogs?

her: no, with the monarchy

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.

Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.

Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.