Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????

*steals all the clocks*

*has all the time in the world*

Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

It’s not you, it’s me.

-Twins looking through old photographs.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

what the hell girl, sure

I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?

Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it

5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?

Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover

breakfast, the most important beer of the day

I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.

“Don’t ask.”

Oh. I wasn’t even listening.

My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”

Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.

Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.