Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
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If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
absolutely not
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.