Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.

– texts to my bed

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.

if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.

I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.

Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%

Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%

I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.

I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.

me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me

pizza guy: u sure?

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”

Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future

I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.

[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.

Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!

Thor: I’ll silence their guards.

Captain America: What’s a microwave?

Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.

Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’

My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”

This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times