Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
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On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Happy Friday
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
sleeping beauty
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.