Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
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pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.