Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works

Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.

Me: Hi guys!

Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.

To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.

Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?

My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying

Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!

Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?

Me: idk, two, three hours?

Cop: you have fifteen minutes

Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude

Cop:

Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured

Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.

being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there