“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
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I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
I feel seen