“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
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I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
In my defense, Your Honor, I grossly misunderstood the meaning of Boxing Day
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?