Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
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In Japan, they are celebrating their position as the most educated country in the world.
Here in America it’s National Cheeseburger Day.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
My car ran out of gas in a trailer park and now I have the most expensive home in the neighborhood.
My whole life has felt like one big hammock and everybody is watching me try to get out of it.