@AddledPixie

“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”

Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.

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@rickkondell

Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.

@andylassner

In Japan, they are celebrating their position as the most educated country in the world.

Here in America it’s National Cheeseburger Day.

@HomeProbably

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

@thomas_violence

‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys

@MariyaAlexander

More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.

@slimmy_shady

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

@karanbirtinna

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…

@psybermonkey

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?

@man_spach

My car ran out of gas in a trailer park and now I have the most expensive home in the neighborhood.

@Sassafrantz

My whole life has felt like one big hammock and everybody is watching me try to get out of it.