“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
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He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
What’s a Messi?
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.