“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”

Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.

You Might Also Like


Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.


In Japan, they are celebrating their position as the most educated country in the world.

Here in America it’s National Cheeseburger Day.


My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”


‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys


More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.


I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.


(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…


[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?


My car ran out of gas in a trailer park and now I have the most expensive home in the neighborhood.


My whole life has felt like one big hammock and everybody is watching me try to get out of it.