“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”
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What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad