“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”
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guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind